Comfortably Numb

There are times in life when the wind is simply knocked out of you and trying to catch your breath requires concentrated effort. This week has been that for me. Tough doesn’t begin to describe it. When faced with a crisis that could ruin everything I have built, a numbness set in like a global anaesthetic. I am thankful for that numb sensation as it keeps the equilibrium between my emotions and my mental processing. Eckhart Tolle might more eloquently describe this as a stepping back or allowing space so that the pain-body doesn’t run the show. I’m not saying I don’t have a pain-body that likes to react. I certainly do. Equally strong, is my ego that wants to protect itself. I call it my trickster.

Allowing ‘the numb’ to serve me is a skill I developed over time. It is not a natural a response I was born with. I grew up in a family where yelling was common. Act →React →Engage. That was the pattern. Usually this was done at high noise levels deeply rooted in a place of fearfulness and anger. I still remember the feeling of uncomfort this gave my inner self. I hated feeling out of control of myself scrambling to retain my position in the fight like an animal fighting for its life. It is scary to watch two animals tear shreds out of each other. The growls, squeals of pain, adrenaline pumping. Fighting is something that deeply disturbs me.

When, I began the process of living free of antidepressants, I knew that I would need to learn or reprogram myself to create my own ‘numb’ that the antidepressants had afforded me for most of my life. I consciously worked on creating this. When situations occurred, my instincts were to REACT in emotion and pain. Adrenaline said fight, fight, fight! My inner self cowered, NO! Neither of these responses came from a place of self empowerment. That would be because, I wasn’t. I wasn’t empowered. I lacked the skills to deal with conflict. I lacked self esteem. I lacked assertiveness. I lacked the capacity to put things into a greater perspective. Be careful not to judge someone who looks have strength of character, for on the inside they may have no self esteem. That was me.

So, for a long stretch I would either react or run. The success rate of either of these approaches was not great. If I reacted, guilt and self debasing would set in for losing my cool. If I ran, it generally would eat at me for ages after the fact. Antidepressants took the extreme emotional responses and numbed them making like more manageable but for me, the side effect of that was, it also made my life less colourful, vibrant, and beautiful. I fought a long time with that, trying desperately, to find a way out.

The process of empowerment effects you on many layers. First you need to believe yourself worthy and of high esteem before you can react from a place of self valuing. Then you need to practice new skills to break well established habitual reaction oriented responses. This takes time and practice. It feels unnatural and uncomfortable. It means creating and learning to use your own pause button that can numb the painful response centre long enough that reaction comes from an inner place not a reactionary place. It is useful, to have a contact you can ring that helps calm you and bring you into the place of ‘numb’ when things have got out of hand. Finally, it means learning assessing and asserting yourself for your higher good.

It is difficult to say, “No, this is unacceptable and I need better” in a clear way that doesn’t offend. And sometimes maybe it will offend anyway. Empowering yourself means to me that I have a choice to engage or disengage. I have a choice to accept or not accept. I have a freedom to say what works for me. That freedom comes with a responsibility of self. That can feel like a huge responsibility. It means I am responsible for how I feel, act, or say. It also means, that others are responsible for themselves.

All any of us can do in life is the best we can with the information and skill sets we have at the time. I am a better version of me than I was when I was 20. I am a better version of me than when I was 30. I aim to be a better version of me for when I am 40. Life is a constant bettering. When I have it perfected, I’ll be dead. Until then, the process is continual.



This article was written in thanks to my best friend Jodi who always can help me return to the ‘numb’, who is always my voice of reason, and who stands by me regardless of what I know or don’t know (yet). Thank you!

My Good Soldier

My 9 year old son calls me “The Last Hippy”, like I am the lone dinosaur that roams the earth after some cataclysmic event. Needless to say, that has caused quite a lot of laughter from friends and family. The good side of this is that obviously my values have have imprinted on my son enough that he consciously aware that his Mom is peace loving and lives outside of the box. I personally would not have identified myself like that, but I suppose, he is not far off.

So then the question is, how does “The Last Hippy” end up finding her soul mate in the quintessential Soldier? It would appear to be an opposing energy. Opposites attract! It is quite true that we think very differently. It is also true that our lives have shaped us with differing priorities and even different behavioural patterns. I possess the energy of the rebel, the independent thinker, and the female. He possesses the energy of the dutiful soldier, community thinker, and the male. He is the Yang to my Yin.

Yet somehow, when these two energies connect there is something of a miracle that happens, because it is realized that there is far more in common than could ever be anticipated. Inside both of us resides a nucleus of values. Shockingly, our values are intrinsically the same. Above all, the value of Honour. Over the years, I have learned exactly how important honour is. Honouring yourself. Honouring Others. Honouring your higher Self or God energy. This is not always as easy as you might think. Yet, my good soldier lives and breathes honour. It is his nature. He doesn’t need to meditate on it’s importance, he just is it.

Honour umbrellas all the other values, like integrity, honesty, and respect. My good Soldier is honour personified. While, I have taken the long path round through rebelling and rejecting many ingrained beliefs; He lives and breaths an honour code without faltering or questioning. Beliefs are not the same as values, although your ego might want you to believe that. So, it is almost as if, from opposite places we eventually met in the same spot or value structure. While we disagree on the external acts of War or Peace, we never disagree on our internal understanding of each others honour-ability.

Perhaps, through finding common ground and understanding with people we see as opposite or different, is the key to peaceful coexistence, but that isn’t really my point today. Today, I want to give tribute to my soldier for his unwavering loyalty and strength of character. Today on Remembrance Day, as he offers support to the troops and the veterans who walked that path before him, I honour his commitment and camaraderie. I applaud his steadfast dependability and trustworthiness. He makes me see the man behind the fatigues, machine gun, and political agendas. You make me proud to be “The Last Hippy” in love with a Good Soldier.



"Do you know what a soldier is, young man? He's the chap who makes it possible for civilised folk to despise war."
Allan Massie

Breaking The Ties That Bind

It has been a strange couple of days leading up to this full moon. Rather intense emotions flying about, behaviour of family members pushing boundaries, and interactions with people highly charged. Sure, we can put it down to a full moon and write it off, but I think there is deeper underlying change that is affecting a lot of us in this period leading up to a shift in the ages.

For many of us, there has been a long journey that has pushed us far past the familiar and into a world of unknown. There has been tremendous suffering and challenges that have tested our strength and courage and against so many odds we have come out the other end a better version of a person we once were. Regardless, of whose lingo you want to use, we are lighter. Vibrationally, we are emitting at a higher frequency.

While this has amazing consequences, such as attracting into our lives greater than imagined new realities, it has also come at a cost of releasing the familiar, comfortable, and habitual existence we knew so well. So while, we meet the man of our dreams, in turn we are forced to let go of the habits that kept us at arms length in the past. Or, as we start a new career, we let go of the debilitating fears of success we became so accustomed to over the years. Even physical habits start to fall away as quite literally they no longer fit in this new frequency.

The desire to smoke quickly evaporates as the mindset of health sets in our consciousness. Perhaps, alcohol usage no longer holds the same temptation it once did. One can not be healthy in mind and maintain an unhealthy lifestyle. It simply is incongruent.

So, I suppose it is a mixed blessing as so many people are now drawing greater things into their life, it comes with the loss of the old. And, while it would appear that leaving negative habits or people behind is a good thing, we have formed attachment and bonds to those things. Allow the grieving process its fair due when you say good-bye to that habit, belief, or person that no longer fits in the same reality as you. It is sad to say good-bye to the familiar. It is hurtful to say good-bye to people that are not supporting you on this journey. There may come a time when those people catch up to you and paths cross again or they may not. That is hard to accept when they happen to be family or close friends.

Rest assured, the journey is set. You will not be alone for long. And something new will always fill the gaps.

As we are in the high impact of this full moon, I am recommending we all clear the space for the new through a clearing ceremony or ritual of your own devising. Their isn’t a right or wrong way to break the ties that bind that do not serve your greater good. Pray, light a candle, dance in the moonlight, burn a picture, write a letter and bury it in the garden. What ever feels right to you, DO IT.

The Pheonix is Arising

It is amazing how busy one gets when you are building a life anew. It has been 5 months since I moved back to my motherland after 10 years absent. I have come back a different person than I left and this life I am creating is foreign, yet familiar. Foreign, because I have never known such love, acceptance, and understanding before. Familiar, because I dreamed it one day could be. Strange that, when I wrote the word familiar, I stumbled and what came out was famili. For that is what is in creation, FAMILY.

For me, like many people, there was childhood trauma. Mine played out very young, through adoption. It is my belief that when one suffers in their developmental years a trauma so profound, on some level you become stunted or stuck. We carry deep within us dramas that want to be played out time and time again through out our life, until we find some way to go back to the beginning and start again.

Years of my life were replays of my trying to correct a feeling of abandonment. Each time leaving me feeling more empty and alone as I subconsciously choose people that could only repeat the lesson I had yet to learn. Guilt seeps in and begins to convince you it is your fault. That there is something fundamentally wrong with you. That somehow you weren’t good enough to fight for and that perhaps you never will be. Guilt is cruel, unwavering, and demanding of your energy. It is a dance that exhausts you but keeps you enslaved. It was a company that was familiar. Guilt was my sister.

The thing with those hard life lessons is they just keep coming until you finally crack and get it. I was stubborn. It took awhile. When it does happen it doesn’t change things over night, it comes in mile stones. No different than that of pregnancy, there are certain development markers you hit before birth and then after your life remains full of miles stones. Along the way there will be AHA’s, epiphanies, and sharp shooting pain as you hit the walls through the obstacle course of self discovery.

As I sat alone in the West of Ireland, year after year trying to make sense of my life, forced to rip down the walls of my own imprisonment and rebuild the person who was stuck in a childhood drama. I hit head on so many walls the process of getting to the core of me was primarily a painful one. It is a terrible discovery, to realize that the walls have been put in place and built by you in reaction to perceived outer reality. But, it is a liberating discovery to know that all things you think you know about yourself are not necessarily true. You can be any you, you want to create. I destroyed the me the world created and I molded me in the image my self wanted to be.

For those 10 years I was in gestation of creating a new self. Self comes first.

It is when we are born we come to know family. Five months ago, I made my way HOME. Here at 36, I begin from scratch rapidly growing and developing as I hit new mile stones, that perhaps I should’ve hit as a child but am joyfully learning and experiencing now. I am learning that it is ok to have my own view point and stand up for that, without fear of abandonment or ridicule. I am learning what it is to be safe and protected. I am learning to let go of old memories of my past life and those companions, guilt and judgement. The learning curve is unreal.

Most of all I have learned in the light of love, all things are possible.

Standing Up And Being Her

One skill that has always been particularly hard for me, has been that of standing up for myself. The very concept swirls around in my head with little understanding of how I come to terms with opposing beliefs. My spiritual side, resting heavily on many Buddhist teachings, tells me how others treat me should have no impact on me at a soul level and therefore I should let things run like water off a ducks back. Unfortunately, I am not so evolved as to not have reactionary responses. I am an emotional being.

The other side of the coin, is the knowledge that emotions are there to teach us a lesson. When things feel painful it is a clear indicator that something isn’t right. That state of painfulness is created to get us to take action. This is where, I have personally struggled.

When I felt hurt, upset, or angry my response was to internalize the feeling or and pray for the moment to pass or complain about the situation and hope for it to miraculously change. And while the moments did inevitable pass, those feelings got lodged somewhere inside of my cellular memory laying dormant until the next incident occurred, which would reactivate it. Each buried emotion piling on top of each other like sedimentary build up on the earths crust scaring and pitting the landscape.

Eventually the surface cracks and up seeps the foul stench of long forgotten pain. While the past may not need to be revisited it does need to be released. Even better, the skills that stop more build up from occurring can be developed and the cycle can be broken.

I’m not exactly sure why my self defence mechanism is so vastly underdeveloped. Fear of rejection, abandonment, ridicule? Any of them might fit the bill. The why, isn’t really that important, as the why lives in the past. There is the awareness of the lesson and that is where learning can begin to take shape. Part of my life’s path has always had this lesson on my life's curriculum. You may share this classroom with me or maybe you long since passed this one by and are struggling with another of life's many lessons.

Having a voice, saying NO, and standing up for yourself is not contrary to living in spirit or in peace. It is simply nudging the Universe back and saying I hear the lesson, and I am strong enough to know that this is a trick question and a test. People and situations may be sent in to test our patience, degree of self worth, and press our buttons but they are each little practice runs on knowing self and having faith.

It is going to take practice for me to speak truths and use my voice when faced with mini challenges instead of relying on the old easier and even lazy way of silently absorbing the hurts and wishing them away. That’s is o.k.. For in my bag of tricks, I possess patience and compassion and can be those things with myself.

Affirmations:

• I am not afraid to stand up for what I believe.
• I am honest and truthful in all I say and do.
• I make every act an act of love, freedom, mastery and hope.
• I release all fear from my life.
• I am strong in body, mind and spirit.
• I am open to the gifts of the Universe.
• I let go of old programs that keep me stuck in old patterns.
• I give myself permission to release toxicity from every level of my energy field.
• I say no if I mean no.
• I accept my own power.
• I let go of my fears about trusting myself. I am willing to make decisions, no matter what the outcome may be.

Symptoms of the Pain Body

Eckhart Tolle, who coined the term, Pain Body, writes extensively on the subject in both his books, ‘The Power of Now’ and ‘A New Earth’. Which, I highly recommend to read if you are looking to further understand the concept of the Pain Body.

In brief, I will explain the Pain Body, as our victim archetype or wronged element inside of you that acts out and causes more suffering in your life. If our ego, is the story of our lives. The play by play of how our childhood failed us, the wrongs that have occurred, the loves lost and won, as well as the triumphs made then, the Pain Body is the essence inside of us that reacts to the story with our multitude of emotions. In any situation, the ego can jump in and set the stage of “I am being wronged here” and the Pain Body reacts accordingly with anger or an equal feeling of hurt, betrayal, anguish, etc., depending on the present situation.

From a simple situation of poor customer service to a more profound moment of a marriage breaking down after adultery, there is a multitude of reactions, thoughts, and emotions people can CHOOSE to react with. It is a choice, although somewhat of a very difficult one as few of us have so completely separated from our egos that we would not feel the betrayal and hurt by a cheating spouse. Taking the lesser and more insignificant example of poor customer service is therefore easier to pick apart and practice separating ourselves from an old egoic response and activation of Pain Body.

For example, if returning a faulty product to shop, you are given rude service and have great issue returning the item, you may tell yourself the story of how you are being treated badly and therefore get upset and angry at the sales clerk. You might further go on to spread the tale of bad service to all your friends and family thus feeling the victimization and negative experience and validating your Pain Body.

Otherwise, you could choose to not take the situation personally and calmly ask to speak to someone else who can better handle this return and be on your merry way in 5 minutes with no real drama.

It is easier to practice with the smaller less significant life situations a disassociation from the ego and the Pain Body. By stepping back and watching the play by play of the situation in an almost slow motion replay, you see how much your ego is trying to activate a Pain Body response or if you have the mind quiet enough to handle the situation without causing greater than needed stress. Try it.

The goal being for us to learn when and what situations activates our ego response system and our pain body coping mechanisms and hopefully alleviate or rid ourselves of these dramas. Not so easy to do, but well worth the effort. I certainly know which people have the knack at pushing my buttons and it is usually after the fact, I see my response was ego activating the Pain Body. Sometimes late is better than never and it is nothing awareness and an apology can’t usually fix.

My son, wise beyond his years, once said to me “When I am angry, it isn’t really me. It is like a cranky me takes over and when I come back I feel bad for what I said or did.” Nine years old, and able to express it perfectly.

But what if we aren’t aware of the difference of self and ego or are so attached to the suffering in our lives? The Pain Body has freedom to act out and manifest itself as means of coping mechanisms that are present everywhere in society.

According to a recent entry on the site Soul’s Code, Pain Body Index there are certain symptoms or markers we can use for determining the degree our Pain Body controls or influences our lives. Their article pertains more to a national pain body but, it is for the most part a good check list for individual people who may want to question how much of an influence these aspects of society influence your personal lives. I found these markers most interesting and felt they warranted repeating as a means for you to test yourselves. I have altered and added a few, that I felt should be there as well and if you see missing markers that should be added feel free to post a comment for all to read. The point in these markers is only for you to reflect on your own life and see where maybe the Pain Body chooses to feed.

These markers are:

1. Armed and Dangerous - or in my opinion the love of violence and horrific stories we have be come accustom to through news, media, and entertainment.
2. TV Nation - How much of your time is eaten by The Box?
3. Suicidal thoughts, attempts, and rates that steadily grow.
4. Violent crime
5. Cosmetic surgery
6. Depression and the mass use of prescription antidepressants
7. Drug usage
8. Alcohol usage
9. Divorce rates
10. Hoarding -
11. Over Eating for “filing the void”
12. Shopoholic

I hope for all of us that we can find the peace within and freedom from the ego so the Pain Body can remain dormant and our true selves can run the show always. What a great world that would be.

Sometimes Help Comes From The Most Unexpected Places

Thank you for hearing my prayers.
Thank you for sending someone who cares.
This stranger that offers me insight and love
Through intuition alone he heard from above.
My faith is restored after I waiver and fall
with each sign that is given, and me heeding the call.

My life isn’t my own, I am more than ME
At times I am lonely, but I know I am free.
Beginning again like circles in time.
The direction I walk, not yet clear or defined
I move one foot forward, one step at a time.
Knowing for certain destiny creates in my mind.

Thank you for patience and strength and all of my skills.
Thank you for guidance, the lows and the thrills.
Thank you for magic I see everyday,
And for the support that comes by today.
What ever you name it, doesn’t matter to me
It is what it is and it always will be.

Invoke the Warrior Within

I have been settling and acclimatizing to my new life, in a new city, back in my motherland for 3 months now. Lots of red tape and documents to be filled, nesting in a new home, and piles more stuff to process through. Like many people I know it has felt like a slow and at time motionless current moving us forward throughout the summer. I’m not enough of an expert on astrology to report about Pluto’s influence or ecliptical energy of the summers full moons, all I can refer to is from an internal intuitive place.

It has been a culmination of moments of great joy, intense blockages being worked through, and at times almost a stuckness or delay in making plans and goals move forward. Many challenges are upon many people right now. I have observed a greater number people being pushed to overcome many aspects in themselves that have held them back and I am no exception. Whether it be in the area of health, career, relationships, internal belief systems, or family, we are being tested.

At times the test has felt too hard.

Rest assured, we are prepared for these tests. All our lives we have been studying through the mini life situations we have lives. Our history carves the path that brings us to this precise moment in time. It is time to resolve, let go, and even forgive the fears that we have carried, the hurts we have accumulated, and the blockages we have created.

I did read somewhere that as of last week we have entered a new phase, astrologically speaking, of LETTING GO. It fits with my own feeling that the gates are now open, and the waters are picking up speed, and the time is NOW.

So, I am suggesting to myself and to all of you, to view the challenge that has been persistently present this summer as the final exam after years of study. You are prepared. You are capable. You are strong enough. There is no point scrambling to do a last minute cram. You already have all you need with in you.

There will still be moments of stress, worry, and even doubt. Greet those as they are, reminders of the human experience: teaching humility, modesty, and compassion. Be gentle with yourselves through the changes. For most of us who aren’t Ascended Masters living in perpetual state of bliss, we need to accept the duality of our lives. Appreciate the good and the bad, the easy and the hard, and the test each of us has met on the path.

Invoke in you the warrior within and never fear asking for help when you need it.



“Victory is sweetest when you’ve known defeat.” Malcolm S. Forbes

“Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.” Orison Swett Marden

Artwork by Cecil Youngfox and available to buy in print from Whetung Ojibwa Crafts and Art Museum.

How Can I Help You?

Sometimes in my own life, it has felt like the challenges just keep coming like waves in the ocean that don’t let up. As soon as you get over the swell from one situation, you are swiftly riding the crest of a new one. Now I realize, this is life and the meaning of it all is to learn the lessons and move on to the next with a positive welcoming but, sometimes I get tired of treading water or spluttering out the unexpected splash. When this happens there is only one way to handle it all and that is to lie on my back and go with the waves instead of trying to swim my own pace.

This feels almost incongruent. You want to get to where you are going faster but in order to do it you need to slow down and remain still, allowing the current to guide you. I am sure many people can relate to that feeling of wanting to argue with that way and say, “Yeah but, what if I don’t get to where I want to go? I want to be in control here! I need it now!” To which we are told we need patience, faith, and courage. “What is meant for you will not pass you by.”

Easier said then done for the person out of work, the woman struggling to recover after surgery, or the man needing to see he has greater value than a work horse. Each of us, at this moment of time, has a challenge or lesson of some varying degree to learn. Knowing you are not alone on the great sea of learning should offer a a degree of comfort. Visualize everyone you know bobbing along doing their best to get to where the are going. Now take that visualization further and picture yourself riding the waves and watching someone beside you spluttering and flailing. What do you do?

You can’t swim for someone else and you can’t take them on your back, as is seen in relationships of co-dependency, or you risk drowning yourself. You could ignore them but that doesn’t set much of a precedent for standard of living. Offering comfort, support, and kindness to someone no longer in the rhythm is a means of breaking singular thought and creating a more loving and less foreboding life for everyone.

So my mission for today and one I challenge you to join me with is to think of someone, anyone else's life circumstances and challenges, instead just your own and think of one way you can offer them comfort, love, or support. One action for one person. One way to inspire them to have a more joyful tomorrow.

Each Step is a Celebration ✳

It is ironic that I recently was discussing with a friend the concept that if you don’t heed the warning signs to slow down and take care of yourself, in someway you will be forced to. What is ironic, is that 2 days after that conversation, I flipped over my bike handle bars leaving me rather bruised up and forcing me to slow down. I have been in nesting mode with my new house and very much trying to get settled into a new life for me and my son. As well as that, have been the challenges of blending two families, creating new job prospects for future financial security, and balancing all the other balls that are a part of life.

Moving country on my own with my son has been challenging. It is a risk that had to be taken because the time for change was here, but now when I sit back nursing my aching shoulder I can see what a mission it was. I suppose being forced to sit still and allow time for reflection allows mind and soul to come together and celebrate what it took to get me where I am.

At what point do you stop and give yourself credit for your accomplishments? Is it when you cross the finish line or is it when you break those mini markers of success like breaking your personal time on the track, or getting every weed in the garden, or simply finishing one small task that gets you closer to the bigger goal?

Every day there are loads of tiny little moments that we can find pride and accomplishment in. Usually though, they slide by almost unnoticed as they seem so insignificant to the greater goal. Maybe, slowing down to give each small accomplishment it’s due would benefit not only our feeling of self worth but even keep our motivation high as we would in-fact feel like we are making significant progress in our life each moment of everyday.

In using the symbolic tool of magnification now and again we can see how immense the change in our lives actually is. Broken down, into all the little pieces of who I had to become and what I had to do to get me from where I was to where I am. I am thankful for all the mini moments of success. I am thankful for the large purple welt on my shoulder for saying “hey, slow it down and see the battle you came through.” I am proud of me for getting me here. It is not the end of the road. There are plenty more goals ahead, but right now I am aware of each of the accomplishments I have made like footprints on the path.



"It is time for you to look for the joy, the delight and the wonder of everyday and rejoice in it. When we celebrate the passing of events and transitions of life it is our way of giving thanks and the angels delight with us. Whenever possible celebrate with others, for then great energy is raised which attracts many angels drawn by the laughter and lightness, to add their blessings. It will bond you happily with others. Angel wisdom reminds you to celebrate and honour all things large or small in your life. Find something to celebrate now."*

Affirm: My life is a Celebration

*Quote taken from Diana Cooper's The Angel's of Light Cards